Communicator (communicator) wrote,

Bootless cries

I often go through quite a miserable time when I have to try to be creative. My thoughts grey out, and nothing comes, and I get frustrated. I feel as if entropy is closing in on me, everything fraying apart, the engines running down. Not to over-dramatise my petty frustrations or anything but I'm experiencing the HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE here.

I got stuck like that yesterday, trying to write up the new course plan. I was shuffling bits of paper, and typing things and deleting them, and I felt like a failure. My daughter had to go to work mid-afternoon, so I took the opportunity to walk down with her. I thought it would be a nice break but I was stomping along like the worst companion ever. The sky was damp and grey, like my stupid brain. I saw this woman stopped in her car, right in the middle of the road, not even pulled over, just staring at nothing. I'm like THE WHOLE WORLD IS DYSFUNCTIONAL. Nothing will ever get done again.

"The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead."

It's such an oppressive feeling. Anyway, I did get through it, and I am finishing off the course plan now. I wish I could get things done without having to spend half a day wallowing in this ridiculous nuisance.

Mostly posting this in case other people get it too. What do you do? Better to stop work and go see a film do you think? Or is pressing against a grey wall and getting angry with myself a necessary stage? Don't know.
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