But I think I'm suppressing quite hard a feeling that I've wasted a year. While the first six months of the course were demanding and challenging it sort of tailed off in the Spring. I think in retrospect the tutors were anxious about the future of the business - anxiety they didn't share with us, which must have interfered with our rapport. I stopped practising hypnosis a couple of months ago, and lost my enthusiasm and confidence. At the time I blamed myself.
In fact typing this up has helped me understand it better. Two months ago the weekend was traumatic and I came away upset, a lot of other students said the same, and then a month ago they let us go early to watch the World Cup. That was a strange thing to do. And I felt detached and a bit jaded by the course. I'm starting to think that we were picking up the emotions of the tutors. And also I am starting to feel the tutors were irresponsible not to be honest with us about what was happening.
So this week I've been feeling almost nothing about the collapse of the course, but at the same time I haven't been sleeping. Hence me posting now at almost 2am. So I'm thinking I have to get in touch with the nasty angry feelings, and the worry that I've wasted a year, and the bitterness, and if I can feel it properly, I might start sleeping better. I might also feel free to think about what I do next with myself.
I think I will post this, composing it has helped me work through my thoughts. Sorry if it's long and rambling.
