May 26th, 2011

breaking bad

Tight spot

In my new job I am trying to dress like a teacher rather than a scamp. It's a struggle I can tell you. Women's clothes seem to be designed to be as awkward and embarrassing as possible.

So, I get myself up in some dress with black tights and low heels. I am giving a 2-hour class on something or other. And after about thirty minutes I realise the tights are slipping down my legs. The crotch of the tights is ... descending... inexorably... towards the hem of my dress. What can I do? I can't pull them back up again. There are twenty students all looking at me. OMG why didn't I stick to trousers.

After further slow slippage things are getting desperate, so I sit down, and deliver the rest of the class from a chair. At the end of the lesson I gesture helpfully at the door and smile benevolently from my sitting position as they file out. My knees are firmly clamped together to keep the tights in place.

I then hobble across to the door (with knees still clamped together) and shut and dead-bolt it behind them. I hobble round to the side of the room, out of sight of the little window in the door. And then at last I can PULL MY BLOODY TIGHTS UP.